Following my narrow escape, which had more to do with a lack of willingness on their part than any light-footedness on mine, I'm walking down the street. The middle of the street. There is no island, no center divider. Only a median lane, cars on either side of me. I'm carrying my shoes. This is partially for comfort and partly to attract attention. Because I've got such a long walk ahead of me that I'd almost rather get arrested than finish this leisurely stroll of mine. Besides; if my friends are anywhere between where I came from and where I'm going, there's no way in hell they can miss me.
Trekking a busy stretch of road on Saturday night, I have time to think. I give the façade of a rich homeless person. My button-front Hugo Boss untucked from my $200 silk pants and I'm stepping all over the backs of the inseam. Now I take off my socks. I have nothing but time.
What could I have done to piss those guys off so bad? It couldn't have been all my fault. I mean... okay, what did I do? I was looking for my friends. But I was talking to somebody before I left. Said his drink was too strong and asked if I could take it off his hands. "I'm here to help." That's what I said. That's what I always say. Then looking around for my friends some more. Started talking to a girl. It always starts with a girl.
I'm so tired. I just want to lay down right here in the middle of the street and take a nap. The memory comes in little flashes. Most people sleep through this part. It's never been so hard to attract attention; I must look like a psycho here in the median of traffic.
Another memory flash. Oh yeah; some times I forget that people don't know my sarcasm. What did those tall guys get all pissed about?
I went up to the girl all nonchalant. "Where you headed?" "We're going to a party." I introduced my self. Made her laugh. Asked if I could hitch a ride. That's all I needed was a ride down the street. There wasn't enough room in the car so she sat in my lap. The driver took a head count and noticed me. Politely, she ejected me from the car. I was getting out and... then the guys.
They pulled up and got all pissy with the girls. "Who the hell's that? Where'd you find him?" "I'm Gino!" That's what I always say. Right away, they wanted to fight me. What a cluster-fuck.
"Were you gonna rape our girls?"
"Your girls? Are you leasing to own?" Typical Gino shit.
"You were gonna rape 'em; weren't you?"
"Yes. I was going to rape them. All six of them. I was going to have all of them. With my six dicks and ten arms, I was going to rape all of them at the same time."
"We knew it!"
"Well you got me, bro." The girls started yelling at each other. Then at the girl who let me in the car. "These are the kind of guys you bring around, Kimberly!" Then Kimberly. "He's not serious! Can't you tell?" Then she turns to me. "You're not serious, are you?"
"No. I needed a ride down the street. It's ten minutes in the car and an hour walk. And you're going the way I'm going." Then I turn to the douchebags all ready to fight me.
"How helpless do you think they are?! There are six of them. I have four limbs. Even if I was a big dude!.."
They went on with the tough talk. Called me a pussy for not wanting to fight. A coward, a piece o' shit. For some reason, it really hurt when the dude called me a pervert. Then they got the worst of me. Maybe that's why they were scared. Guess it's the adrenaline that brought me back. So I really wasn't gone for that long. Maybe twenty minutes.
I'm so thirsty. My cell phone rings. It's my dumbass friends. And my dumbass ride. "Where the fuck are you?" "Where the fuck were you?" "Where did you go?" I'm so thirsty. I must look like hell on wheels. The cops pass me by and don't give a second look. "Do you need us to come get you?" I tell them too little too late. I'm around the corner. I ask them how didn't they see me. I'm in the middle of the fucking road.
Getting up to the meeting place and they're too drunk to figure out what happened. They're just lucky they didn't kill anybody on the drive here.
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